Hi ya Lucie,
My holosync doesn’t seem to be working this morning? Like I totally can’t settle and keep opening my eyes thinking about something else that’s troubling to me. My daughter’s leaving in a day or two and boy are the flood gates opening to let the yuckies out to play. Total ugh. And all the words I speak don’t seem to be putting humptie back together again.
Welp, I just went thru the rest of my emails. Not much happening in the email world this morning so that’s a good thing.
Ya know, I just don’t feel bright and chipper this am. And I’m not gunna apologize for it. I’m not gunna stop writing. I’m not gunna fix it. I’m just gunna sit in it and see where it leads me. I’ve been trying to fix a broken world cuz everybody said it’s broken. What if. What if that’s the grandest lie of them all? What if it’s all perfection, cuz honest to God it is. There’s nothing on this earth that can’t be transcended in love, that can’t be lightened through prayer and understanding.
Right this minute I’m feeling kinda funnie and that’s ok. I won’t be feeling this lousy in a little while. And if I am, I’ll deal with it, or be willing to live it thru to the next feeling and the next and the next. They’re all colors in the crayon box. Yep, I love the vivid rose colors and the purples but ya know what, there are actually some purples I don’t care for. Whaat. How can I say that. Cuz it’s true. And I never liked green before but this year for whatever reason I’m loving my army green tops. I’d wear them every day if I could find the right bottoms…
Nothing stays the same. And honest to God that’s a good thing, no matter how much I think I want anything to stay the same, it’s simply not true. I want everything to change, I want everything to grow, I want everything to live and die and be reborn into something else, something different, something more, something less. It’s all wowzerfull and I feel like my head is breaking open Thank You God.
I woke up this morning singing Sylvia’s Mother. I never liked that song, couldn’t sing it without such feelings of deep sadness and sorrow, guess that’s what I was feeling about my daughter leaving, hence she is so on my mind and heart. The best I could come up with was, well, at least I wasn’t as bad as Sylvia’s mother. Moms. Mothers. Ma. Even if I go see her before she leaves, it won’t fix the crap inside of me that seems to stick like a booger that won’t flick. God I can be so eloquent, sad but true on both counts.
This stuff is inter-generational, I can see it plain as day. My mom’s mom as a pregnant teen 89 years ago. I can’t begin to know the anguish she lived being pregnant, lost, alone, having to live with that little baby inside until they came to take it away at birth. Jesus God. So my mom’s mom wasn’t there for my mom. And my mom wasn’t there for me in that I’d come here thinking she’d be who she was in a prior life where the two of us were thick as thieves in love with each other as mother and daughter. When I showed up this time, she was so beaten down by this life with three whining kids and a skirt chasing three year old for a husband. She was beyond exhausted and had three more kids after me. No wonder she’d looked me straight in the eyes and said, Why don’t you just drop dead?
I didn’t have ten kids but it felt like a gazillion. And I wonder that what was playing so loudly in my mind was that ‘moms are never there for you’- for at least three generations, and actually four because my grandmother’s mother surely wasn’t there for her; she let the world bully her daughter into giving up her baby instead of helping her create a life for the two of them. Fairy tales. Life isn’t a fairy tale. Our government would have us believe it could be if we’d just do everything they say. Can’t work that way. We’re born into a set of circumstances and we dance the dance they’re playing at that time. Somewhere along the way we might dare to sing a different song and every once in a while we actually change dances altogether.
Geeze, I’m feeling all over the board this am so I’m gunna close for now. It feels like a whole bunch of babble so I’ll be interested in reading it before I send it to ya.
In any case, thanks for riding along for a few miles this am. Please know that you are dearly loved. Huge hugs to you and the gang. All my love, Lis