I’ve had that same exact feeling – the feeling that nobody wants to hear what you have to say. And every time I heard it, I felt so horrible, directed, hurting, and alone. It went on for years, most of my life actually until very recently. And you’re right, it’s old gunk and as you keep clearing and keep healing, at some point it will be gone. Well, I say gone cuz I haven’t felt it in quite a while now.
And yet, I wonder if that’s a true statement cuz every time I see my blog posts on Facebook I’m startled with a fear like, should I have said that? Should I have shared that? What if he gets hurt? What if she gets mad? And so far I’ve chalked it up to feeling vulnerable and tell myself I’m walking thru the initial fear of being so willing to share Me with the outside world.
Ya know, I just realized that I don’t care who wants to hear Me anymore or not (and I mean that in the nicest way, no rancor, no anger.) Somehow, inside, I know I want, need, to share the wondrous lovely stuff I ponder and it’s like, if ya don’t want to read it, don’t. Somebody’s gunna or not. It somehow doesn’t have anything to do with anybody else anymore, it’s all about me. Ha!
Your deal after your talk, and ya know, this is awesome stuff – truly Awesome. Cuz, You Are Aware of the thoughts!! You’re aware of the thoughts, you can see them as thoughts and not truths, and you can work with them. You can sit with the you who’s so hurt cuz nobody wants to hear her and give her free reign. Let her speak, let her cry out all her hurt, let her get mad at the shitheads who were so mean and so stupid and so dumb to such a precious beautiful wondrous little girl. Let her know that she was helpless but that you’re not and that she’s got you now, an intelligent, brave, amazing adult who’s running the show. You can let her know that you appreciate her input and her feelings and if she ever needs to talk, just let you know and you’ll take a walk or have an ice cream or whatever, just to say hi.
You’re healing. You’re living truth. So, anything that isn’t truth will bubble up for you. Not to knock you down but to get your loving acknowledgement on its way out. I remember someone equating these thoughts to a very difficult mother in law who’s been visiting for a very long month. You wouldn’t engage her in an argument at the back door when she’s leaving. You’d say, thanks for coming! And let her go. Same thing with these thoughts. Thanks for coming. See ya again some time? Guess it’s also about acknowledgement. They were very valid emotions years ago. And, they’re necessary crayons in your box, but you don’t have to paint everything gunkie grey anymore. Instead, now you have a choice. You can use all your favorites – like joy and amazement and laughter more and more, but every now and again, ya just might need a little bit of gunkie grey to create a more in depth picture.
It also helps me when I’m feeling those Who do you think you are! feelings, to remember to look outside of myself and see evidence to the contrary. They sent you to another state to give a speech. Somebody thought you had something to say. They didn’t toss tomatoes, so that’s always a good sign. I wonder that one or two people didn’t throw up during your talk, so there’s hope on that front. And, you didn’t die. Again, always a good sign.
You’re in a really good space and I’m delighted for you. Thanks for bringing me a bit of gunkie grey into my day – I love knowing she’s there for me when I need her cuz if I’m feeling that vulnerable and that low, I’ll know to say hey and then go look for an ice cream 🙂
Love ya dearly!