Hey! How blessed are we. We’ve got another Friday to play with. Whoot whoot! And mine started out in a totally beautiful light with insights flying to beat the band. I could hardly wait to get up and start sharing them with you!
I told ya Mindy’s pending move to New York has been pondering within me for a few days. Even at yesterday’s meeting some pretty painful memories came up to be shared. How I grew up thinking I was ugly cuz ugly things had happened to me growing up. And how when God laid this exquisitely beautiful baby girl into my arms, I was so appalled I wanted to scream at Him, and what the hell am I supposed to do with this? She’s perfect and beautiful and I won’t have a fucking thing to offer her! I won’t even know how to talk to her! I was so angry and so terrified. How could God do that to me? I knew how to do awkward and lonely and left out. I can do those things. I can share those things with an awkward and lonely little girl. But this amazing, gorgeous, got it all together stick of dynamite? I didn’t have a clue and I was none too happy to have all of my inadequate self thrown in my face thanks for nuthin.
Anywho, as I was sharing this stuff at the meeting, simply letting it out actually, I wondered if I was okay with it or was there something more to be healed. My chest had gotten a little tight so I thought, Geeze, there’s still hurt in there to be released but that’s ok cuz I know how do do that. Right at the end of the meeting I was given peace with the words that I’d given Mindy her freedom so now she could go live her life, now she could fly. Because I’d healed what was mine to heal, my daughter didn’t have to hold any more of my crap and she was free to head out and create her own life, free of my stuff. That sure felt good.
Ok fine. So this morning I woke up at 5 so I have plenty of time to do my holosync and other stuff too. Yea team! As the session began I was wondering about the emotions I’d been sitting in yesterday about Mindy and running my share thru my mind when it dawned on me, that’s exactly what the holosync is supposed to do – release anything in the brain that stands between you and a truly joyful life. That’s why those old Mindy feelings came up. For me to release! Not for me to grab hold of and wrestle yet again! Whoo Whoo! You might have heard me hollering in the silence of a happy heart 🙂 and another deep sigh for the gipper!!
And another one! Insights galore no extra charge! Back to my AlPal and my confusion and hurt (?) over her taking over my job as liaison between the District and the program co chair for Convention. As I was chewing it and realizing that I still wasn’t done with the whole mess, it dawned on me: what did she see in me that made her not feel safe for me to be included in their discussions? Why didn’t she just pick up the phone and conference call me in with her and the Chair? And that’s my opening to discuss this situation with her. No blame, no hurt on my part, just a sincere discussion asking her to please let me know what I’ve done that would have her hesitant to include me.
The only thing coming up for me now was an incident that happened years ago, back in sixth grade. I’d been selected to help with an art project and me and my friend Maryann and another girl, Patrice, got to stay after school and paint a mural on the bulletin board at the back of the room. Maryann was having more fun with Patrice than me and I know I was feeling hurt over that cuz Maryann was My Friend. Long story short, when I was cleaning out my brush, I evidently got some of the dirty paint water on Patrice’s socks and she’d screamed at me and put me down in front of My Friend Maryann who’d agreed with her. I did a bad thing and I was gunna get in real trouble and I was gunna have to buy her a new pair of socks. Welp, terror entered my heart for sure cuz I knew there was no money at home to buy Patrice new socks. Patrice wore beautiful socks. We didn’t have that kinda money. Hell, we didn’t have enough money at home to buy enough food so I wouldn’t be hungry. Buying Patrice new socks would probably wipe out all our eating money! This tussle went on into the next day and when Patrice blasted me again on the bus in front of everybody that I had to buy her a new pair of socks, I broke apart and had started to cry and everybody took her side. I made my way thru the crowded bus to the front and demanded the driver let me off. Course he wouldn’t stop the bus til we got to the first official bus stop on the run – our school was quite a bit aways from our neighborhood. I got off at the first stop and made my way home crying to beat the band. Plus I was scared that I might not know the way home cuz I’d never walked anywhere out of my own neighborhood. I guess I was pretty late cuz my mom was screaming at me when I finally did get home. She made me tell her what had happened and boy did she let it rip to Patrice’s mom. I didn’t know til years after that she was actually sticking up for me, that she’d been terribly frightened when I didn’t come home on the bus. But back than all I saw was her hollering at Patrice’s mom that we’d buy her daughter a dam pair of socks but that she’d better Never hurt my daughter again. Oh brother, I knew that one was gunna cost me dearly when Patrice got ahold of me the next day. Somewhere in there I’d decided that I couldn’t have friends cuz they hurt you and betray you and the band played on.
And so, what does that have to do with this current stuff. Nothing really. It was simply some old stuff getting stirred up and released. Beautiful thing this healing 🙂
Well Missie, don’t know how it happened but I’ve got to get up and get moving. I’ve got a hot date with my Friday so I’m gunna close for now. I’m hugging you dearly in love precious friend, all my love, Lis