Oh, the places you’ll go, and the people you’ll see … and the courage I’ll need, just to be me. Well thank you Dr Seuss! I was meandering thru my files this morning looking for something else when I came across this writing from 2010. I liked it then; I like it now. And so, here tiz.
I was startled this morning when Lee mention seeing my post on his Facebook? What? He knew I’d written about feeling ookie. How can that be? Oh yea, I gave WordPress permission to post my posts. I remember the anxious feeling moments before I hit the OK button that was quickly followed by, Can’t hide forever. Tiz now or never as the song goes… and so, of course he’d see my posts. My mind raced, did I say anything that could hurt him??? Should I go back and check all my posts? Should I stop writing altogether? A gazillion thoughts crashed through my mind in that moment. But ya know what? If I want to live peace, I need to live the courage to speak what is my truth. My intent is not to hurt, not to harm. And I must know deep inside that my being willing to stand in my truth gives others permission to do the same. Either I can handle the feedback, or not. And I won’t ever know if I don’t fly. Just sayin…
9/1/10 Today is September 1, 2010. The saying on the calendar greeted me with a precious smile as it declared, “Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible.’
I had my session (finally!) with Judy last night. It centered around the Me’s I left behind through the Karen time: The me who first realized something wasn’t right and had to hear Karen haltingly explain we were through; the me who got knocked on her ass and refused to get up. Is that true? Yes. Who is it? Where is she – the she who loves with her whole heart, her whole being? Total innocence, total love. She reminds me of the very angry sixteen year old Mindy in that old photograph, angry at the world and didn’t care who knew it. No. my angry self? Yes. Bless.
I’m terrified of her. I pray her away all the time. All the way through the Nina call yesterday. Yes I was listening for Jesus’ words, but I was also praying desperately, Don’t let me get angry” or “Keep me at peace” so I wouldn’t get angry and embarrass myself, embarrass God, be unkind and hurtfull.
What do you know of anger? It is very important. It tells you when you need to take special note; that someone is stepping on your personal boundaries. How is that bad? She isn’t bad. It’s the raging lunatic that is bad. How? Because they come thru like a mighty hurricane and leave hurt and destruction in their wake. And that is bad – on the higher levels, Lis? No. No it’s not. I’m not afraid of anothers rage – only my own. And… by trying to keep that rage in check and not let it out in the least, I’ve crippled myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I cannot stand tall and cower in a corner all at the same time. In Jesus Name, Amen.Oh